Saturday, December 11, 2010
this post gets kind of mushy gushy, but I am a romantic, and I can't help that part of me...
but the title of this post speaks for itself, remorse....
I am feeling that heavy sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, jaw aching, tear jerking, breath stealing kind of feeling that consumes my whole body...I hurt someone yesterday, someone who is my best friend, and lover, my husband. I am usually a very nice kind person to him, but yesterday, I was in a foul mood to where I couldn't even describe and took all my frustrations out on him to the point I literally drove him crazy and he ended up "on the couch" for the first time in our marriage. He had no blame in anything, it was all me and my bitchiness...Women have their moments, but I know now that I went way too far and hurt his feelings. And like I said, I feel this extreme remorse and deep guilt that I can barely breathe at the moment, and even currently crying as I type this....I am usually a nice person, kind to others, and the fact is that I have no excuse for my behavior, I am more than old enough to know better. So this now switches directions, and now is an apology to you, my sweet "tiger" (that's his nickname I gave him).
Waking up to an empty bed was a huge wake up call for me, I realized that I did indeed screw up, when he didn't return to bed all night. I hated waking up like that. I see and hear of marriages fail all the time, and I will not let it happen to me! I love this man of mine with everything that I have and am, and knowing I would take a bullet for him. Life is short, ladies, I have only been married for just over 2 1/2 years now, some of you, much longer...but if you are married, whether your marriage is good/so-so/ or on the rocks, hold onto your husband with such might that even God couldn't have the heart to pull him away from your grasp. God blessed me with a happy marriage, and I thank him multiple times everyday for him, but my point is this, no marriage is perfect, fights and arguments will happen, and he will sleep downstairs on the couch, but make sure the next night the two of you won't go to bed angry, cause there may not be a tomorrow or a chance to say anything.
I am sorry sweet tiger, you are my love, my life, and my marriage to you is so important to me, and means so much to me too, it's my purpose in life, my existance...I am sorry I hurt you, yelled at you, made you feel bad, even to the point of you not wanting to sleep next to me. I hope you forgive me, all I want is for you to come home from work to me, and hold you and smell your neck (you smell real good all the time). I know I have an emotional hide of a rhinoceros, but I do feel, and i ache for you everyday, and love you with so much intensity, cupid knows I got it bad for you. I may appear cold sometimes on the outside, but I have wept warm salted tears for you, I still after nearly a decade get butterflies in my stomach for you, my heart still races when you enter the same room I am in. I stare at you with loving eyes when you don't know it, whenever you shave your face, watching TV, sleeping, I watch you outside the living room window everytime you come home, even watch you until your truck is out of sight when you go to work....I am so sorry, I love you and forgive me for my awful behavior towards you....I am sure I will screw up again in the future, but just know I will apologize to you everytime I would. I dont want you on that couch again for at least a very long time.