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Thursday, December 17, 2009

It Hasn't Been Easy...

Sorry to my blog followers for my 5 week absence...

It's been one hell of a ride. I have lived in Nebraska for a little over 6 weeks now and I am still as homesick as ever. I'm not just homesick for family, kansas, Manhattan, friends, my old routine, but I am also yearning for interaction, new friends, for my life to truly begin...sure there are kind people who lend me a few kinds words or small talk whenever I run my errands, but that's all I get these days. I know I am a very socialble person, I need people to survive and the last 6 weeks have truly been hell on earth for me. I am so glad cell phones were invented so I can keep my sanity just by calling family and friends and talking up a storm. Yes, I have higher cell phone bills than ever before bacause of it, and I don't care, neither does my husband. I find him doing the same things too, calling whoever he can, talking to those who strike up conversations in public, we both yearn for human contact. I have been told in the past to always be prepared for God's curve balls whenever he throws them at you, and this is the ultimate curve ball thrown at me in my life. Curve balls suck! I have not really seen the benefits of this yet, God gave me and my husband a new life in a new city and a new state, but for what? So we both feel miserable and lonelier than we ever have in our lives?! God's plan for me, right? I better be saving the world or something in the future, or becoming the mayor of Lincoln for this...I just now realized that as a kid, this was one of my greatest fear, now coming true at the age of 27...leaving my home and living in a strange place knowing absolutely no one. I never wanted to move, I always wanted to stay in my bed all warm and tightly tucked in. Now my bed is cold, I'm in it alone sometimes (when my husband is not here) in a very old strange house with so much history........and that brings me to another serious topic...with this house I now live in, I have fought a very spiritual battle with myself in this house. I even had to have my house blessed to rid of the little girl's tortured soul. Back in 1926, a little almost 4 year old girl died in my house (I did a little history on this house). She fell down my basement steps and died....the blood stain at the bottom of the stairs still remains to this day, of course I put a rug over it so I wouldn't have to look at it whenever I did laundry downstairs. Even though the little girl's spirit was kind, dainty, and playful it still scared me at my wits because of simply the unknown. I am still alive, I have never been to the other side, but when the priest came by to bless my house and send this little precious sould to God, I felt my mortality for the very first time in my life, and I now know that my life is fragile and could be gone at an instant, and that this earth is just a shell, my body is a shell. My belief system is shaken to the core, and I felt like anything could test my strength and spirituality in God. So in my house, I have crucifixes in almost every single room, the bible sitting out, and 3 rosaries in plain sight. I also have my 2 cats that at least keep me company by talking with their eyes and listening to me. Ci-Ci and Brie-Brie never leave my side, in fact they are both watching me very closely as I type. Maybe it's Christmas. It's a rough time of the year for emotions to try to run dry. Thankfully I am seeing my family in Kansas this year, it won't be enough time I know 4 days can go by very fast. I also think of my grandpa alot this time of year, since he passed away 3 years ago on Jan. 2nd.


amelia said...

It won't help but I'll tell you anyway.

When I came to Canada in 1974 I thought I would die. I was homesick like I've never been before or since. I honestly thought my life was over and I was five thousand miles from home with the Atlantic ocean in between. Everything was different, food, words, driving on the other side of the road, everything that had been familiar had been taken away and I had two little girls aged six and eight to take care of. I arrived in August and it was one hundred degrees and I'd been expecting snow and cold. I've since realized that only happens in the winter. For three weeks all I could do was lay down exhausted. My kids suffered and so did I!!.

My point in telling you this is that now I wouldn't go back if I was paid to. I grew to love this place and now it's in my soul.

If you have to stay there, try to get out as much as you can and mingle. It sound as if you do but don't give up. Getting a job was my saving grace, it made me move myself and start living life.

Too bad about the little girl in your house. I'm sure she's at peace now.

Have a wonderful Christmas with your lovely mum and be happy!!!

Jess said...

Hope you had happy holidays...and that things are going better for you now.

been missing visiting you
Love, jess